Helping Students Feel Seen—By You and By Each Other
- Brittany Hayes
- Feb 23
- 7 min read
Updated: Mar 12
The Power of Peer Connection
Kids spend years with the same group of classmates—sometimes 7 to 13 years—and yet, many barely know each other. Or worse, they feel invisible. People thrive when they feel like they belong, and that sense of connection shouldn’t come only from the teacher. You can intentionally build it into your classroom culture, helping students not only feel seen by you but by each other.
Finding Opportunity for Connection
Connecting with all of your students can be challenging for so many reasons. There are new students that arrive with no notice or time for preparation, students who don’t speak the language, or those who come from a completely different culture. Then there’s the introvert who pulls away or the student who can disappear into the mix because their needs aren't as loud. I remind myself to focus on building a connection with them first—figuring out what excites them, what makes their eyes light up, and diving in.
🦋In one of my first years of teaching, I noticed a student who had pulled away from the class and me doing origami. During recess, I filmed her making an origami butterfly, turned it into a tutorial video, and shared it on Google Classroom. The entire class made hundreds of butterflies that we hung in front of the windows. That student emerged as herself in the class and became reconnected to her peers, later becoming the key note speaker at her grade nine farewell.
⚽️Another year, I had a student arrive from a refugee camp in Syria, having no English background. I took advantage of my student teacher’s growing independence and spent time with him in the hallway. He was energetic and athletic, so we learned phonemic awareness and multiplication facts through physical activity. If he got flashcards wrong in our review game, he’d do that many push-ups, jumping jacks, or laps in the hallway. If he got them right, I had to do them which often ended with both of us laughing. I started getting sticky notes with pictures of the two of us on my desk and beaded bracelets weekly. Seeing our connection, the rest of the class started opening up to him, and he quickly became the leader of the soccer games at recess.
📘There was one student I can remember that I just couldn't connect with—he was like a closed book. All my usual tricks seemed to go unnoticed by him. Then, during an observation and inference activity with show-and-share items that students brought from home, I found it. He had a puppet named Jeffy—he wore a helmet, had a diaper on, and had a pencil stuck up his nose. I talked about Jeffy all day, bringing him up in math class, asking if he knew the answer to a science question, and even invited Jeffy to come back to school whenever he wanted. You can bet Jeffy lived in our classroom for the rest of the year. I found the key and dove in.
A Daily Dose of Recognition - Happy Mail
Happy Mail is a connection activity that I love to build into our routine is at the end of each day. I pick a student to send home with a positive message about something I noticed. It can also be a nomination from another student. I describe the positive quality to build suspense, then announce the student. As a class, we chant: "We are proud of you, yes, we are proud of you!" followed by applause.
Not only does this ensure every student is seen in a positive light by myself and their peers, but it also communicates that positivity home. Any time I forget Happy Mail, at least one student reminds me because they LOVE it. One of my most consistent reminders? That refugee student from Syria. He loved being part of it.
I still remember one Happy Mail moment so vividly. A student was struggling—both with behavior and connection to his classmates. It had been a tough month filled with parent meetings and emails home. While reviewing my Happy Mail list, I realized he hadn’t received one yet. That day, during a math review, I saw him quietly helping his shoulder partner work through a problem before writing the answer in his own notebook. It was a small act, but it was the moment I needed.
At the end of the day, as I described the scene, I saw him lean in, listening more intently. When I announced his name, the excitement rose from his chest—he could not believe it. The next morning, his parents emailed me, thanking me for the positive recognition. Overnight, everything shifted. He bought back into our class.
Building Peer Recognition
A simple shift in questioning fosters peer recognition. Instead of asking students to share their own ideas after partner sharing or a gallery walk, I ask:
"Whose partner had a next-level idea?"
"Who wants to give their partner a shoutout for their exemplary work?"
"What piece of work stood out to you that you want to recognize?"
"Whose group member had a great idea?"
Not only does this create accountability for active listening and engagement, but it also encourages students to take pride in their work. Knowing their peers are paying attention makes them more invested, and in the end, they feel valued and recognized by their classmates.
Coaching Through Conflict
It's important for me that students understand that while they don’t have to be best friends with everyone, they do need to respect each other and work together. No one should come to school feeling left out or ignored.
I make it a point to be present during these conversations—whether it’s a table group or a group of friends dealing with a disagreement—so they can learn how to face conflict without damaging relationships. Instead of avoiding tough conversations, I guide them through resolving disagreements calmly and constructively, emphasizing that connection doesn’t mean constant agreement but rather mutual understanding and respect.
"They should be old enough to deal with it themselves", "let them work it out" - I get it, conflict in those division 2 and 3 classes is a daily occurrence but let’s be honest—these conversations are incredibly challenging for adults, let alone children who have different perspectives and varying models of how a disagreement should unfold. Emotions can run high, egos can get bruised, and relationships can suffer. Working together to learn these essential conflict-resolution skills in real time can help preserve their connections with classmates and give them the tools to approach conflict in a healthy way later in life.
The Student Who Struggles to Connect
There will always be that student in your class who faces unique challenges that may prevent them from connecting with their peers in a meaningful way. In these moments, I’ve found it helpful to hold class meetings without the student present. This allows me to share a little insight into who they are, where their struggles might come from, and how those challenges may show up in school.
I level with the class and bring them into the conversation, offering conversation starters and phrases to help guide interactions. One year in Grade 6, I worked with a student with autism, who was academically and socially at a Grade 1 level. After having one of these discussions with the class, I witnessed something truly incredible: the class went from being disconnected and ignoring the student to becoming their protectors.
If they saw the student being mistreated by someone else at school, they stepped in, using phrases we’d worked on together. If someone noticed the student running in the hall during transitions, they’d remind them to walk with the class using the strategies we had built. It was inspiring to watch this connection grow.
Of course, when having these discussions, it’s important to think carefully about your wording to protect the student’s dignity. Consider talking it over with a co-teacher or administrator to ensure the conversation is conducted ethically.
Reconnect with Every Name Starting Today
Make a list of all of your students' names. Start from the last name on your class list and work your way backward, one day at a time. The last names are often of the students you haven’t spent as much time connecting with for a variety of reasons—perhaps they’re more independent, or their needs aren’t as loud, and they can easily fade into the background. Each day, find a small way to connect with that student. It could be a quick conversation, a printed-out picture, a joke, or even a simple note. Show them love in the way that they need it. Every student deserves to feel seen and valued.
Small Moments Go the Longest Way
With all the obligations that come with teaching, it can be hard to find time—but the little things go the longest way. Adding a zombie meme to a slide for the student who is obsessed with The Walking Dead. An anime coloring sheet for the student who exclusively reads manga. You don’t get to choose what students remember from their time in your class, but I can almost guarantee it isn’t what you taught in a lesson. It’s a moment.
Ponder This:
We would love for you to share your answers in the comments or simply take a moment to reflect yourself:
How can you intentionally create opportunities for your students to connect with one another, beyond just their relationship with you?
How can you incorporate peer recognition into your daily routine to encourage a culture of mutual appreciation and accountability in your classroom?
How do you approach conflict resolution in your classroom? What strategies can you use to help students learn to navigate disagreements respectfully and constructively?
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